Annabelle's blog (January, 2008)

My Memorial Letter
We crammed around 60 people in our little home to celebrate Annabelle's life. It was beautiful.Thank you for all your words, letters, meals and flowers. Thank you for loving us and for taking the time to ponder Annabelle, her life, and her death.It is hard to come here and write in this blog, because it is another reminder and it hurts. I do want to keep writing though, it helps me to make sense of it all. I would like to share the letter I wrote for the memorial. I wrote it to Annabelle, but I also wrote it to read aloud and share with others a little about who she is to me.Dear Annabelle,I was just beginning to believe you would be staying with us for a long time. I had told Providence Hospice that I wanted to end their services starting January. I was ready to start hoping in life instead of expecting death. I wonder why you had to leave at just this time, when I began to hope. There must be a lesson there somewhere. Maybe about learning to love without reserve, letting go of fear and embracing life, recklessly, without restraint. I finally got there and in doing so I was able to love you wholly, not just as a guest in our house, as I felt you were in the early days. I loved you fiercely for who you were not who you weren't.You were brilliant, lovely, amazing. Your body, though flawed was beautiful to me. Your bright eyes, looked around more than we ever imagined they would. We adored your little poof of hair, your eyebrows, how you would raise them in interest, your little tongue popping out to explore your mouth. Your hands were finally beginning to do what you wanted. My favorite thing we all shared with you was your ability to smile and laugh in your own special way. You would almost always smile when we kissed you in just the right places. You loved to be bounced and jiggled and tickled. You gave us the gift of response. You received our love and made us feel that we were important to you. I will always miss falling asleep with you tucked in my arm, how my body ached in the morning from accommodating you all night. I would give anything to hurt like that again. We spent so many late nights together on that couch. You propped on the pillow, moving your arms and sucking on your lower lip, and me playing on the computer. Soon you would begin to squawk for attention we would snuggle and play for awhile then when you were tired I would feed you with your tiny bottle and you would fall asleep in my arms.I miss you and I miss your body, but I have hope now that you will be made perfect,and that you will be with God. I am just a little sad for you, that you didn't get to taste some more foods, feel more hugs and kisses, see new colors and shapes. I wish you could have had a chance to learn a little more how to control your hands and arms. But mostly, I am just sad because I miss you. I am not worried about you, I just miss you. My arms feel empty and I miss you.love,your mama