Annabelle's blog (September 17, 2007)

Almost one year
I put on my coat for church yesterday and when we returned we made a cozy fire in the wood stove. Fall is here! October is here! And my little Annabelle will be one year old. She is happy and healthy and quite cute. Of course she is still extremely small for her age at 12 pounds with a head the size of a newborn. This prompts the daily questions...they go like this;

"OOOHHH a little one! How old?"

"1 year"

..silence..

"was she a premie?"

"no"

Usually I go on to explain more just so the person doesn't feel too embarassed. I get this every time I go out at least once, but usually two, three, four times. It is tiring and makes me not want to look at people. If I avoid eye contact then maybe they won't come up to me.My not quite one year old is still functioning at a one or two month level. She smiles and laughs every day. She loves to be tickled and cuddled. She hates to be left alone and is quite loud, effectively getting our attention whenever she needs it. She looks at us, but, I am still not sure what she sees. Shadows? Colors and shapes? She cannot sit up but enjoys being propped up much more than lying down. Her stomach muscles are getting much stronger and she does little crunches when lying on her back. Her physical therapist says her back muscles are getting stronger too. She can go from laying on her side to laying on her back using those muscles. We are very proud of her.In honor of her birthday, I would like to start writing Annabelle's story from the beginning.She was born on October 19th. We knew about her condition in June, when we went in for an ultrasound. We were there to find out her gender and instead we found that there was something terribly wrong. The discovery and the days following were dark and dreamlike. It flattened me. For maybe three days I was like this, confused, weeping, shaky, so, very afraid. I clung to Jack relying on his strength to move me in and out of each moment. In one night I found what it was that would get me through this. I stayed on my knees that night. I read, pondered, questioned, and listened. I figured out that I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and for my family. Life had given me this and there was nothing to do but, accept it and move forward. I had Ella to take care of, a husband to love and God still needed praising. The question, "Why me?" became inane. Instead I asked, "why not me?" What makes me so special that I should be saved the horrors of this world?People often call our family brave, I think we are, but, maybe not in the way people mean. We are brave in that we made the choice to not let this loss destroy us. We are determined to not be bitter, and to not let it ruin our relationships. And, we are determined to continue to praise God.After she was born we decided to have Annabelle baptised. We had a good friend from church, a chaplain, come to our home to perform it. These are the verses we picked to read during her baptism. They are verses that represent her life. A guiding post for her spirit.23Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. 24With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. 25Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. 26My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.Psalm73:23-26Not much of the story yet....more to come.
Posted by meela at 9:54 PM 3 comments
Monday, June 25, 2007