Annabelle's blog (June 11, 2007)

Annabelle Update
Hello out there. I hope people will still check in on this even though I haven't written in three months. Annabelle had her first MRI last month. The news wasn't any better than expected, in fact, it was a little worse. Her tiny brain is not developing along with her slightly growing head. The empty space is filled with water, not dangerous, just indicative of developmental delay (or perhaps I should say "developmental arrest"......I'm not sure yet). She has an extreme form of Lissencephaly, her entire brain has a smooth appearance. We are waiting to hear from some specialists to learn more about what this all means and hopefully get a more accurate prognosis.In the mean time she is a mostly happy little 8 month old. She is a whopping ten pounds nine ounces. Her weight is increasing at a normal rate, while her height and especially her head fall behind. Her eyes are bright and alert. I wonder often about what it is that she sees. Can she tell the difference between people and inanimate objects or are they all just shapes and colors to her? She loves to be held and cuddled. When she is put down she usually cries. She is a mystery to me and I grow to love this mystery more and more as each month of her life passes.I have been grieving lately. In a way that I haven't before. I long for what could have been, for that bouncing, laughing, fat eight month old sitting up and playing with her toys. Head full of hair, perfect little feet and eyes glued on mine, I can see clearly who my Annabelle was supposed to be. The sadness feels right. It is as though I am being shocked again by the reality of Annabelle's profoundly debilitating condition, and it feels good to be able to acknowledge the truth and then move onward, aware and prepared. It also drives me into the arms of my savior knowing that it is in his truths that I find rest and comfort. In daily life, mostly contented, a little blinded, I forget Him and I forget my grief. It is desperation that brings me back to Him.Forgetting my grief, however, is an emotional survival strategy that I openly welcome. One cannot grieve all the time. So, Forgetful Land here I come!!